The Ushuaia Rabbit

devilin_poop

I just read this in a newspaper: "Afterlong months of futile attempts andseveral expeditions, a group ofArgentine scientists has succeeded incapturing an Ushuaia rabbit, thoughtto be extinct for over a century. Thescientists, headed by Dr. AdriánBertoni, caught the rabbit in one of themany forests that surround thePatagonian city. . . ."

devilin_poop

As I prefer specifics to generalities,and precision to transience, I wouldhave said "in such and such a forestlocated in such a spot in relation to thecapital of Tierra del Fuego." But wecan't expect blood from a turnip orany intelligence whatsoever fromjournalists. Dr. "Adrián Bertoni" isyours truly, and of course they had tomisspell my name. My exact name isAndrés Bertoldi, and I am, in fact, adoctor of natural sciences, specializingin Zoology and Extinct, or Endangered,Species.

devilin_poop

The Ushuaia rabbit is not actually alagomorph, much less a leporid. It'snot even certain that its habitat is theforests of Tierra del Fuego. Moreover,not one has ever lived on the Isla delos Estados. The rabbit I caught – Ialone, with no special equipment orhelp from anyone – showed up in thecity of Buenos Aires near theembankment of the San Martínrailroad, which runs parallel to AvenueJuan B. Justo where it crosses SolerStreet in the district of Palermo.

devilin_poop

Far from looking for the Ushuaiarabbit, I had other worries and washeaded down the sidewalk of Juan B.Justo, a bit downcast. It was hot, and Ihad some unpleasant, not to sayworrisome, business to do at the bankon Santa Fe Avenue. Between theembankment and the sidewalk thereis a wire mesh fence supported by alow wall; on the other side of thefence, I spotted the Ushuaia rabbit. I recognized it instantly, how couldI not? But I was struck by the fact thatit remained so still, for this animal isnormally jumpy and restless. I thoughtit might be wounded.

devilin_poop

Be that as it may, I backed up a fewmeters, climbed the fence, andlowered myself catlike to the ground. Iadvanced stealthily, fearing at eachmoment that the Ushuaia rabbit wouldtake fright, and in that case, who couldcatch it? It is one of the fastest animalsin creation; though the cheetah isswifter in absolute terms, it is not inrelative terms.

devilin_poop

The Ushuaia rabbit turned andlooked at me. Contrary to myexpectations, however, it did not flee,but kept still, with the sole exceptionof the silver tuft of feathers that shookas if to challenge me. I took off my shirt and waited, stockstill and bare-skinned.

devilin_poop

When I got close I slowly deployedthe shirt as if it were a net, andsuddenly, in one quick swoop, I had itover the rabbit, wrapping it up in aneat package. Using the sleeves andthe shirttail, I tied a strong knot,allowing me to hold the bundle in myright hand and use my left to negotiatethe fence once more and return to thesidewalk.

devilin_poop

I could not, of course, show up atthe bank shirtless, much less with theUshuaia rabbit. Thus I headed home. Ihave an eighth-floor apartment onNicaragua Street, between Carranzaand Bonpland. At a hardware store Ipicked up a birdcage of considerablesize.

devilin_poop

The doorkeeper was washing thesidewalk in front of our building.Seeing me bare-chested, with a cage inmy left hand and a restless whitebundle in my right, he looked at mewith more astonishment thandisapproval.

devilin_poop

As bad luck would have it, aneighbor followed me in from thestreet and into the elevator. With herwas her little dog, an ugly, disgustinganimal. Upon picking up the smell –unnoticed by human beings – of theUshuaia rabbit, it erupted inearsplitting barks. On the eighth floor Iwas able to rid myself of that womanand her stentorious nightmare.

devilin_poop

I locked the door with my key,prepared the cage, and with infinitecare began unwrapping the shirt,trying not to upset, or worse, to hurtthe Ushuaia rabbit. However, beingshut in had angered it, and when Iopened the cage door I couldn't stopthe rabbit from hitting my arm with astinger. I had sufficient presence ofmind not to let the pain induce me tolet go, and I finally managed tomaneuver it safely back into the cage.

devilin_poop

In the bathroom I washed thewound with soap and water, and,right away, with medicinal alcohol. Itthen occurred to me that I ought tohead to the pharmacy for a tetanusshot, which I did without wasting anytime.

devilin_poop

Since it lacks a masticatoryapparatus during the day, the mostpractical thing was to cut up the lightsinto little pieces and mix in some milkand chickpeas; I then stirred it alltogether with a wooden spoon. Aftersniffing the concoction, the Ushuaiarabbit absorbed it with no problem,just very slowly.

devilin_poop

Its process of expansion begins atsunset. I therefore transferred the fewpieces of living room furniture – twomodest armchairs, a loveseat, and anend table – to the dining room,pushing them up against the diningtable and chairs.

devilin_poop

The next morning the Ushuaiarabbit had returned to the cage. Inview of this docility, I felt it wasunnecessary to shut the door. Let itdecide when to be inside or out of itsprison.

devilin_poop

The instincts of the Ushuaia rabbitare infallible. Every evening it wouldleave the cage and expand like a fairlythick pudding on the living room floor. As is well known, its feces areproduced at midnight on odd days. Ifone collects (in the spirit of play,naturally) these little green metallicpolyhedrons in a sack and shakesthem, they make a lovely sound, witha rather Caribbean rhythm.

devilin_poop

To tell the truth, I have little incommon with Vanesa Gonçalves, mygirlfriend. She is considerably differentfrom me. Instead of admiring themany positive qualities of the Ushuaiarabbit, she thought best to skin it inorder to have a fur coat made forherself. This can be done at nightwhen the animal is elongated and thesurface of its skin is broad enoughthat the cartilaginous ridges aredisplaced to the edges and don't get inthe way of the incision and cutting. Idid not want to help her do thisoperation. Armed with onlydressmaking scissors, Vanesa relievedthe Ushuaia rabbit of all the skin on itsback. In the bathtub, with detergentand running water, a brush andbleach, she washed off any amber orbile that remained on the skin. Thenshe dried it with a towel, folded it, putit in a plastic bag, and very happilytook it off to her house.

devilin_poop

It only takes eight to ten hours forthe skin to completely regenerate.Vanesa had visions of a great scheme:each night she could skin the Ushuaiarabbit and sell its fur. I would notallow it. I did not want to convert ascientific discovery of such importanceinto a vulgar commercial enterprise.

devilin_poop

As I knew would happen, the onsetof autumn restored the rabbit'stelepathic language, and although itscultural milieu is limited, we were ableto have agreeable conversations andeven to establish a kind of, how shall Isay, code of coexistence. The rabbit let me know that it wasnot partial to Vanesa, and I had notrouble understanding why. I askedmy girlfriend not to come to the houseany more.

devilin_poop

Perhaps in gratitude, the Ushuaiarabbit perfected a way of expandingless at night, so that I was able tobring all the furniture back to theliving room. It sleeps on the loveseatand deposits its metallic polyhedronson the rug. It never eats to excess,and in this as in everything else, itsconduct is measured and worthy ofpraise and respect.